But not yet

A few months ago we planted some sunflowers in our garden, looking forward to a patch of golden loveliness during the summer months. It's now the end of August and we're still waiting! Despite motivational talks and plenty of care and attention these sunflowers are a shy, hesitant bunch, seemingly fearful of opening up and revealing their hidden depths and full, blazing glory. Their 'leader' is in this photo, taken this morning - the others are still tightly furled, not yet ready to become the fullest expression of what they were created to be. 

Today I'm viewing these flowers in the context of St Augustine, whose feast we celebrate. He is famous for having prayed to God for the gift of chastity and self-control - but not yet. Theologians and homilists have argued over the exact meaning and phrasing of his Latin, and whether he was being ironic or insincere, but for me, there is something devastatingly honest and real about such a prayer. 

How many times have I prayed and longed for greater holiness... for greater love and selflessness, patience, humility... for a simpler lifestyle, deeper prayer... for a more abundant gift of myself... and then held back from the God who also longs for all this for me...? There is something deeply attractive in holiness, and in the truly holy people I meet; but the present is pleasant, and holds its own attractions. And so, I might not say it out loud, but it is there, in my half-heartedness and holding back... But not yet... not now... not me... not this much... not this way... 

I wonder how many of you are nodding in recognition as you read this...? Maybe St Augustine can be a good patron of all the But-Not-Yets among us! May his prayers help us all to unfurl before the God for whose glory we were created, revealing our true beauty and all the promise and potential we contain...